Cujo,
originally uploaded by chefranden.

I have a hard time saying no to people. I know that this stems from a combination of a deep desire for people to like me and avoiding conflict. Plus I tend to trust people all too easily. I don't think I'm really gullible. But I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time. If my gut tells me you're a decent enough person to deal with, you're probably in a great position to screw me over.

I know as I've gotten older I've become more outspoken and stand up for myself. But I really don't want to be the guy that flys off handle to get his way. I don't want to have to threaten people. First off, in this day and age, you don't know if you're going to tick off the wrong guy on a bad day. Secondly, it just seems... unproductive. If you break my trust, of course I want to yell at you. But if it's a situation that needs resolution, I'm afraid I'll blow my chances of getting to that resolution in exchange for a few brief moments of anger. I know that this all about control. I'm giving people control by trusting they will do the right thing. I'm giving people control by allowing them to make or break the situation.

What has brought on this moment of introspection? Quite honestly, several people owe me money. I've made deals and helped people out over the past couple of years that, so far, I've taken a loss on. An old timer hot rod guy I know said it best, "I get screwed a lot, but never kissed". I've tried making arrangements, keeping in touch, and following up. I always get brushed off. Even with the people that have the best intentions of paying me back, I'm just not a priority to them. They aren't going to skip a meal to pay me back, no sir. I have been amazed at how okay
they are with being this way. I put myself under a lot of pressure if someone is counting on me.

Which brings up another related problem I've had this year. I've taken on a bit too much work at times. People come to me excited with their ideas and, if I like where they are headed, I'll try to help them out. As someone that is self employed with no stable income, I'm always open to opportunities. Unfortunately, some of these opportunities are "sweat equity" that, if they pay off, will pay off huge. But in the meantime, I'm working for free. I've already begun to improve in this area. I actually turned down some work last week as I get my priorities straightened up for the rest of 2008. It was actual paying work which made it even more difficult to turn down. But I can't afford to work for free very much at the moment. Maybe one day!

The thing is, I don't know if this is a part of my personality that I want to change entirely. Or at least, I don't want to become an outright asshole to people. I don't want to be the paranoid and bitter person always assuming the worst in folks. I certainly want to resolve these situations in a positive way and I want to keep myself from getting into them in the future. But I know that I have truly helped some people in my lifetime and that really makes me feel good.